i confess

{disclaimer: i am mainly writing this to myself... to remind myself of God's sovereignty, peace, and provision. but, maybe you can relate to it. and yes, this is wayyyyy long.}


"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -philippians 4:6-7


i confess... yesterday i was so anxious. as i soaked in a bath of self-pity,this verse was in my mind and i would say it to myself over and over again. seriously...this is how my day went: i'd pray, present my requests to God and then be anxious all over again, pray, present my requests, etc, etc. and yes, i do know that pregnancy causes extreme hormonal, emotional, mood swings. i was reading an article about pregnancy today that talked about how "there's nothing quite like the emotional juxtaposition of pregnancy. on the one hand you're thrilled, elated, and impatient; on the other hand, you feel anxious about a million unknowns." so i thought i could just blame the whole thing on pregnancy. then i was reminded that my worry is a result of me being a big fat sinner.

i don't want to complain, but i will tell you why i was soaking in self pity, only because life is full of ups and downs. if i only shared all the ups then that really wouldn't be real life. see, when both of your cars break down, you have looming doctor bills (i.e. - thousands and thousands of dollars - more than you spent on both of your cars combined), and because of an error you are behind on your taxes, it seems like you are drowning in a sea of no money. because of our car troubles, i was bummed that i was going to be stuck at home again without a car (i have been that way for most of the year already. so it especially sounds less than desirable. but hey, i survived!!!)

wait, i have to make room for a slight interjection here. we sponsor a child with world vision and this morning i received an envelope from them expressing the needs of children around the world. this is what i read: "snow and ice encase her cold, dark home. without a coat, this is her prison for months at a time." okay, so here i am whining about being stuck in the house because i don't have a vehicle when there are children all over the world stuck in the house (if they even have a house) because they don't have warm clothes. hello. i am pathetic.


anyways, this morning i also received our monthly tabletalk devo mag from Ligonier Ministries (R.C. Sproul) and it is all about "anxiety and the sovereignty of God." it couldn't be more appropriate for me this month! i get weary... the weight of financial issues is burdening but i know the Lord is all sufficient, He is the provider, the grace-giver, the sovereign One over all things. therefore, i know that the "peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard {my} heart and {my} mind in Christ Jesus." ...no matter what happens in life, and lets face it, life happens. cars break and when they are old and have a bunch of miles on them, they especially break. just a fact of life. taxes... another fact of life (don't even get me on train. i will toot my horn way too much.), doctor's bill's and insurance are just apart of breathing. i shouldn't be surprised by it all and even more so, i should not worry about it all. it is time to take my thoughts and heart captive! "behind every moment of worry is a war for the heart. this battle is about whether our hearts will be ruled... by the kingdom of God or the kingdom of self" -paul david tripp.


right after philippians 4:6-7, which i shared above, it says, "finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." when i present my requests to God with thanksgiving, and abandon my anxiety, the peace of God which surpasses all things will guard my mind, as i dwell on things that are worthy of praise.

this also has something to do with contentment. worry and anxiety foster discontent hearts. philippians 4:11, a few verses after the ones i previously shared, paul says that he has "learned to be content whatever the circumstances." although contentment is not a natural response for us humans, it can be learned and fostered... "we needn't sow thistles and brambles; they come up naturally enough, because they are indigenous to earth... {therefore} brother and sister, hush that complaint, as natural as it is, and continue as a diligent scholar in the College of Content" (charles h. spurgeon). i must learn, by the strength of the Holy Spirit, to be conent. this prescription for contentment (i've shared it in the past) that i read several months ago in linda dillow's, calm my anxious heart, is very helpful:

-never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather.
-never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
-never compare your lot with another's.
-never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
-never dwell on tomorrow - remember that tomorrow is God's, not ours.

oh wow, i have so much work to do. thank goodness that the Holy Spirit is at work within me because i could never do any of this. as i rid myself of anxiety and worry, as i sow seeds of contentment and dwell upon things that are praiseworthy, maybe then, i will really learn to trust in the Lord. he is sovereign over everything and i can rest in peace because of that. He has always been faithful and has always provided; He will always be faithful and will always provide. i am beyond thankful for His promises.

please tell me i am not the only one that is still learning all this.

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