digging deep.

as i type this, i don't know if i will actually ever push the "publish post" button...

if you read yesterday's post, this is the rest of the story.

what i'm about to talk about is never talked about unless it's with my hubs, or my closest friend. that's how it's always been and i sort of want to keep it that way. me writing this is huge {as in, the Lord has been working in my life in a huge way to bring major, major healing}. oh, and just because i write about it, doesn't necessarily mean i want to talk about it face to face. so, don't bring it up in person {if i know you in real life}. thanks.

first, let me explain my reasons for even contemplating the following gut spillage and deep digging...

1. i long for someone else to tell me that they know exactly how i feel or how i've felt because they've been exactly where i've been. for show us your life, it is all about things you've dealt with and how you've gotten through. i secretly hope {or maybe not so secretly} that someone will read this and be that person who has travelled a similar path.

2. recently, a few people have told me that it must be so nice to have such a perfect life. ha. i felt like saying, "excuse me? do you even know me?"

3. writing is therapeutic. although i don't like talking about certain burdensome things, i can always write about them and feel 20 lbs lighter.

4. to show how God has brought healing to me and to give Glory to Him for His grace.

in a nutshell: here's my cardboard testimony -

front: at 19, i married a widower. on the surface it doesn't sound like anything difficult, but for me, it was the hardest thing i've ever dealt with. and i've dealt with some things... my parents divorced when i was 5, my dad died when i was 9. so, i thought i had met my quota for hard times.

back: the reality is, i deserve death and nothing good. but God graciously intervened and saved me. and gave me eternal life. the best thing possible. and not only that, He has healed my hurts.

in a not-so-nutshell:

so, yeah, i married a widower, and for a gal who is full of insecurities and jealousy {i.e. - sin} it has been the most difficult thing. but, it has been a long journey and i've come a long way. like the distance from here to china. and back. God has been gracious to me and given me grace to endure.

so, what's it like to marry a widower? and if you're thinking, "what's the big deal?" let me explain. right after kelly and i started dating, people would tell me that they weren't ready for him to start dating. as if he needed their permission. and then, when we got engaged, people told me they weren't ready for him to get remarried. and then they would compare me to his former wife and made it clear {as clear as freshly windexed windows} that i didn't even begin to compare to her. because remember, when people die, they become perfect in the minds of many. and who can ever compete with perfection? anyways, that led to me feeling completely insecure in our relationship. kelly would constantly reassure me, and insist that i was his one and only. but that nagging little {or not so little} voice of the red, horned man always told me otherwise.

during our engagement, many words were said that crushed me. it was like people totally had no regard for my emotions or feelings. they weren't excited for me like any normal person would be for someone getting married. i remember getting this question a few times: "why did you even register? {who registers when they are getting married anyway? i guess those that marry widows are not expected to.} doesn't kelly already have everything you could possibly need because he already had a wedding?" how in the world was i suppose to respond to something like that? somehow i managed to respond kindly, without punching anyone in the face, kicking their guts out or saying several unspeakables. all of which were things i wanted to do. God was with me.

day after day, the past would be brought up by people {some who knew us and some who didn't even know us} and it was slowly tearing me apart. at our showers, people would make comments about "her." at our wedding, i heard people comparing our wedding to the former wedding. when we got back from our honeymoon and back to reality i remember thinking, "oh God, how am I going to get through this emotional distress every single day?" i felt so alone. i didn't want to talk to anyone about it. i especially didn't want to talk to kelly about it because i was afraid that if i brought it up, he would think of her and miss her. i longed to go through anything but this.

i was jealous... i wanted our engagement, wedding, and honeymoon to be kelly's one and only's. i felt like i had to share them. can you imagine wondering if your husband misses his former wife? can you imagine wondering if he is comparing you to her? can you imagine wondering if he wishes that you were her? can you imagine wondering if he is just flat out thinking of her?

all of these were wonderings of mine. i say "were" because i don't wonder about them anymore. i know that all of the answers to these questions are "no."

there are millions of other instances of why my emotional pain was so great, but i can't even bare to share them.

the first year of our marriage was hard. at least for me. not because we fought or didn't get along. but because i allowed everything that others said to tear me down. i allowed my own mind to wander and take me to places of despair. my emotional problems began to show up physically... i had 2 surgeries our first year of marriage, and had undiagnosable seizures. my stomach was always in knots. i was in counseling. i couldn't drive for 6 months because of the seizures. i wanted to move to a new place, where no one knew about the past and that way no one could say mean things anymore. it was a year that i never want to relive. but, i was so close to the Lord during this time. He was my only true comfort. i would not be the same person i am today if i hadn't of had to deal with this.

the process of healing has been a long one. we've been married over 5 years and i'm finally to a place of peace. having a child helped with the whole healing process, it somehow helped to legitimize me as kelly's wife in my own mind. {i know, that is silly, but it's honest.} i am sure there will still be hurdles to jump, but for now, i'm doing well. i always longed for a normal marriage... without all the crazy weird baggage. i longed for people to know kelly and i as just "us" and not with the past in their minds. i feel like i've mostly arrived at that place. while people still know about the past, for the most part, i feel pretty normal and like it's "just us." - if you really knew how hard this has been for me, you'd know how huge that statement was.

i'm so thankful for the healing that God has brought to me. "you have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent, o LORD my God, i will give thanks to you forever!" -psalm 30: 11-12

please, please, please... if you happen to read this and have dealt with similar things, please let me know. it would make my heart glad to be able to talk to you!

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