after my thanksgiving feast over a week ago, somehow i've managed to let the feast continue like i'm getting paid for it, and my tummy is really paying the price. so i ate carrots and blueberries for dinner last night. wouldn't you know it, 10 pm came and i was as hungry as ever eating ritz crackers with peanut butter plopped on top, thinking too much, trying to grasp the complexity of this life. or maybe it's really simple and i just keep making it sketchy and difficult and blurry. i'm listening to this (you should too, it's the most beautiful Christmas song from recent times) and feeling contemplative, doing a little self-evaluation.
i look at people that have more than me and i get jealous. i look at people with less and feel guilty. i want more things while at the same time only want to store treasures in the Place where no moth or rust can destroy.
i want Christmas to be about Jesus but then my two year old says "i wanna be santa fo hawoween mommy" when asked about Christmas. although, he did tell me that Jesus was born in "befwohem" yesterday; i chalk that up as progress.
i want to be a stay-at-home mom like i am, but in the back of my mind sits a ready to throw in the towel mentality because the financial stress doesn't always seem worth it.
i am all full of sin and self and pride and you name it.
but there is Grace; redemption.
i'm living because of Grace; i know Grace is greater than my sin, shining brighter than my ugliness, changing me, chipping away the ugly ugly ugly, replacing it with beauty. changing my perspectives, helping me see what He sees.
despite my back-and-forth, my trying to be in the world but not of it, God takes care of me, gives me what i need, and loves me more than i understand, all because of Jesus. and this part of life is simple and profound all in the same.
*thanks to our friend, Tyler Edwards, for these pictures.
linking up with rach.
39 {comments}:
you say it girl! thanks for the reminder. xo
Beautiful post and beautiful family
you have a beautiful family!! so glad that even when we are "self-evaluating" and thinking lots about life God seems to reveal His grace a little deeper to us...He knows how to bring perspective in our lives!
ah, grace. need it too. :)
love your vulnerable heart girl. we all struggle don't we? i've been shoveling in since April. gotta get the extra stuffing off me;) pics were gorg!
Oh, Carissa, I so felt your heart in this post. I have so many young friends like you that share your same desire to be a SAHM but it just simply isn't possible. Both our daughter and DIL have that desire but both must work. They have been blessed beyond measure with the best home sitters for their little ones and it has worked well. Thank goodness they are both teachers and they have lots of time off. Times have changed so much and economic times are tough. I'm praying that you will find sweet peace in this and rest in His promises.
The pictures are simply gorgeous. You have such a beautiful family. Hugs to you for a beautiful weekend!
'Tis the season to overeat...perfect for losing baby weight:)
It is hard to be content. I think especially this time of year where the mood is so festive and fun but also a time where your surrounded by all the "beautiful"things to buy etc. Which makes me much more greedy and I have to step back and realize that a. we don't need a lot of gifts under the tree and b. we cannot afford a lot of gifts under the tree and c. My perspective hast o be in the right place! :)
(These pics are perfect!)
I love how Grace creeps more and more into our daily thoughts, and I praise God for revealing it to me (and others!). There is such freedom in knowing that we are where we are because He has given us the ability to flourish where He has us. For such a time as this...My Grandparents lived their whole lives in Ministry, and it wasn't of the well-lavished kind like some church staff members I grew up knowing (what? every pastor doesn't drive a Jag?? ahem...) but their humility, and love, and service provided them a lifetime of blessings they would have totally missed out on if they hadn't of been content with where they were.
You spoke where I'm at today too. Beautiful how you said it Carissa. Much love to ya.:)
I am where you are, lovely. I am where you are. The back and the forth. Right there. Especially lately. Christmas is bringing that out in my heart too. I am thankful...but it is hard too. Thank the Lord for His grace, or else I would feel so chaotic I could explode. I love when you said that Grace is helping you to see what He sees. That is what I want, too.
Thanks for writing your heart!
Beautiful, Carissa. I understand how that is - the other day, when asked what she thinks of when she thinks of Christmas, my four-year-old sister answered 'presents'. Oh dear...
Love the pictures - very precious!
Much love,
~bree
Can I tell you just how much I love this!!??!! I can relate most to what you said below the sweet picture of you and Sage and the part about Santa...right on point!!! I am so grateful for grace...HIS grace.
I love this Carissa. So well written, and so very true. I feel the exact same way most days. Oh and the Christmas thing? Yep. I've been thinking about that one for years. How will my children know the real meaning of Christmas? How can I teach them that it's not just about getting, getting, getting. But it's about mercy, and giving and about God gifting us His only son. I want my kids to know that. I want them to understand it. I want them to truly appreciate it. I pray I'm successful.
I hope you and that super gorgeous family of yours have a great weekend :-)
well said! thanks for describing so perfectly the internal conflict that so many of us (me!) face! so so thankful for God's grace that brings peace to the khaos and silences the voices that would have us believe anything other than truth!
such beautifully worded thoughts! I've been conflicted about how to be content with what I have and at the same time creating wish lists for Christmas. Glad to see that you are finding Christ's truths in your searching/thinking/ponderings!
This is so encouraging for me to hear, Carissa. The Christmas season definitely does seem to be a living oxymoron...get more stuff to celebrate Jesus' birthday??? and actually, my family does not observe Christmas. Instead, we take a set apart time to be with God, making certain that our hearts are ready for His coming, and not distracted with Christmas-y cares. Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do for Christmas when I grow up...I think I might like to participate a little bit, in some small way, while still keeping my heart on Jesus.
Anyways...please excuse my excessive rambling! I really loved this post.
xoxo
Simi
Oh you have such a beautiful family!!! My neighbor got a job and she's been gushing about all the extra money and stuff they can buy... It's easy to feel like I want that too, and then she goes on to say that "passing the children off to each other" is going well and that seeing less of her husband is "helping her marriage." It's hard, but really serving God, your husband and your children is so worthy.
Wonderful pictures and such an awesome post! I can relate to all of it... second guessing being a SAHM, wanting more, feeling guilty for wanting more, not always as content as I should be...
There's something so light and lovely about sharing our struggles. Yours are so familiar to me. I always hope that there's some redemption hiding in the search, that maybe the very fact that we spent our time pondering these things means that we're on the right path.
Gorgey pics, Lady. Or Gorg. Whatever. :)
I love your honesty!! You say things just how I'm thinking them.
I go back and forth for my future kids on the santa thing. We grew up knowing he wasn't real since my parents wanted the focus on Christ, but my siblings all say santa is real w/their kids AND G-man doesn't see a problem w/it but I still struggle w/what to do. I guess it all comes down to balance.
Talk about worrying about things that aren't even yet!! haha
any way, Have a great weekend and I do love those pictures! :)
Emily at Amazing Grapes
oh gosh - I could have written this post myself. I echo all you said. I am just so aware of my sin and I hate it. It reminds me of that verse in Romans "what I want to do I do not do and what I don't want to do I do..." SO thankful for grace!
PS - thanks for letting me know the link was messed up on my post! I fixed it and here it is: http://www.laurencasper.com/2011/11/29/love-one-another/
I moved my blog over to wordpress and am still working out some kinks but that link above should work for you! :)
funny how you crept into my head...these thoughts just zoomed through my mind the other day (in fact it kept me up...and i am not one to stay awake..my head hits pillow and i'm out for the count)
i love grace...i love knowing i'm saved by it....i love how simple it is...and yet how hard i make it at times
I love your jacket! It's adorable as well as your family!
Grace is such a simply complex thing. So perfect and free, yet I tend to overthink it and mess it all up. We just need to take it and I have such a hard time doing that. Just resting in it is all He wants us to do.
The Lord has allowed our family to be financially dependent on Him completly for most of our marriage. He has blessed me with staying home with my 3 babies and it is always a sacrifice. Contentment is something I beg for and some times are easier than others. Just remember that you are giving your children precious memories everyday and this life is only a vapor. It will be gone in the blink of an eye and all of the "stuff" that seems so appealing at times will be gone with it. You are doing great...you and your husband are doing the work the Lord has called you to do and always know that He will provide for all that you need!
biting my tongue & nodding my head in silent understanding sweet friend!
you have such a beautiful family!! i can't wait to start ours w/ a little one!!
beautiful post. you are one blessed mama!
very beautiful...my soul needed to read that today!
Your words are perfect....I can relate to exactly what your saying. You have such a beautiful family:)
So true! I think we all struggle.
yes, we all struggle and fail. but God's grace is such an amazing thing...i constantly have to remind myself that i don't "owe" anything to God but it's my choice to give my life to Him. that perks me up :)
<3 ya, friend.
girl, you said it. this is where I am and I can't get my mind off of the inconsistency, I've been praying my heart out and writing a post that pretty much says everything you just said. thank you for always being so vulnerable and honest. you're so beautiful inside and out.
So beautiful Carissa. I have found myself wanting lately. But most importantly, I want His grace to touch my life. Happy Monday!
I TOTALLY relate to this post!! When my first two kids were that age I felt the same exact way. I loved being home but I was just dying to get out and work and help someway, somehow with our finances. But looking back on that time now I am 100% thankful that God kept that door closed and I am so grateful for all of that time that I was able to spend at home with my kids.
Hang in there - this stage is HARD but it will be over before you know it.
You are gorgeous!!! Love the family pictures!! Like everyone said hang in there you won't regret this time at home.
But if you wanted to make some money... maybe photography?? I love looking at your photos, and you definitely have an eye for it!
Liz
I relate to a lot of this. I thank God for his grace often - but not nearly enough considering how much of it I need.
Carissa, a big heart felt thank you on the wonderful comments on my weight loss journey!!! I feel great and really appreciate the encouragement from people like you. Nice to meet you
Xoxoxo Hanan
Thanks for your transparency.
Just gotta tell you ... being a stay-at-home-mom is WORTH IT. Oh. My. Yes. I completely understand the financial stress, but wouldn't trade the time with my kids for ANYTHING.
At the same time ... maybe you could do an at-home part-time job of some sort. (I used to sell Creative Memories Scrapbooking.)
Or ... how about a part-time job in the evenings if your hubby can be home with the kids? While my husband was in college (and we had 3 kids) I waitressed part-time in the evenings. I was still home with the kids during the day. My life was still very focused on FAMILY. And, the kids got some serious "daddy time" a couple of nights per week.
So ... not at all judging the possible need for a bit more finances, but wanting to encourage you to stay focused on FAMILY.
However ... just make sure it is a "need", not just an "I want _____" because everyone else has it.
Hope your week is BLESSED!
Laurel
mama of a dozen
ages 9, 10, 11, 13, 15, 18, 21, 22, 22, 24, 26, 27
So beautiful...and so relatable. I'm always wanting what others around me have and then feeling guilty because I know I live better than most of the world's population. I have clean and healthy kids (such a blessing in itself), a job, a home, what more do I need?
How blessed we are to have God's grace, the extent of it is amazing!
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